Finally

taking the time and courage to write it all down.

I haven’t been able yet to understand all the feelings I have experienced for the last 4 months, since we decided to move back to France, but today it came out, while I was sitting outside. Did you know that it’s very hard to cry in the sunshine? Don’t pity, but the fact is that it’s hard to let hard feeling come out when the weather is absolutely amazing.

The fact is changing life is really fucking hard. No matter how amazing your new home is, creating a new life is a lot of work, and a lot of emotions. I could not really speak about it before because I did not let myself pause and and reflect. I did not allow it because I was thinking too much about the risk, instead of the necessity.

What’s interesting is that I realised I don’t really like to write about simple little things, I prefer to write when I feel a bit sad, confused, or overwhelmed because it becomes a dialogue.

Today started very smoothly, by ticking all the boxes in a loving, beautiful happy way. The way we like it. There were unexpected cuddles, warm brioches and flowers in the trees. I even took time to make myself a cappuccino and wash my hair (rare). I kept on telling myself “just relax, clean up the mess and then relax” but it’s the hardest thing for some reason. I forced myself to stop taking care of the laundry (I am not working yet so my home and family are my 100% job right now and it’s a lot. no idea how i usually do it with full time job…) sit outside and chill. After 3 min i got bored and decided to clean my contact list. I have lots of numbers I don’t used anymore, bills, government stuff… I have never clean my contacts before because never had time.

and then I just burst in tears, because that happens sometimes when I listen to “lalaland soundtrack” Because seeing all those names reminded me of all this life, all this work, all those nights out, and I felt so sad it was all gone now. I could not call the same friend for drinks or dance, I could not go to work with awesome people anymore on my scooter, I could not say hi to my annoying neighbors. I suddenly missed it all a lot, which feels hard. I don’t like to miss things in life because I love being in the moment.

the fact is, we don’t realise we live life. we don’t think it can really shift until it does. we really need to make great choices of people to be with, people to love, people to work with, because the next thing you know it’s all gone. all our energy should be put in choosing the right circle and caring for it.

also I always told myself that my home in France would never change. People would always look the same, stay there, stay alive and happy and I can just go on adventures and always rely on this. well no. 5 days before we moved back my grandma passed. like a major ironic “well done but still a little bit too late”. this week end i noticed weird marks on my mums hands (she never talks about health so I am glad i can be here and check her out). my sisters are making babies, getting married, changing jobs. Things are moving all over. and I really wanted to get closer. I was spending a lot of energy building communities in London, in Portland, but not enough energy creating a community within my own family. because it’s way harder isn’t it?

I could not be happier to be back to where I am from, and with my family closer. I want my kids to grow close to them, hear their stories, fish with them, laugh with them as much as possible. I want to feel less indispensable and less pressure. It was also important for me to have them surrounded by french culture, food and scenery because it’s absolutely stunning, and they can then decided to go wherever they want. But it feels good to live this together now.

But moving life, trying to sell a house, to rent one, understand new people, making new friends, and settling in as a family while keeping yourself balanced should not be underestimated. Our generation is made of travellers, and moving seems easy. Everything seems easy. the older you become and the more aware you are, the harder it is. so don’t waste any time and take on adventures whenever you get the chance. because it makes you grow, and gain a perspective that will change you forever.

I am reading Michelle Obama’s book right now, and I love how she describes her balance with Barack. It is a fascinating book about love, courage, tenacity and trust, and I am so happy it’s been following me all the way to France during a time of change.

I am not sure yet what my future mission will be, but it’s been so amazing to spend more time with the kids, as they pretty much instantly settled in their new life. I am taking the time to think about what matters to me, what values I want to keep working on, and try to really be ok with pausing! it’s ok to stop time no matter what comes out! I am feeling much happier now I allowed myself to have a little down moment. YAY TO VULNERABILITY.